is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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