You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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