It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
