The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
