It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
