"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
