My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
