i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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