finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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