somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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