if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
