if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it's like iHOP with fire
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
