not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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