rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
