I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
