Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
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Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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