Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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