the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
