The maid of honor just puked.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
