naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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