I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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