based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
