just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
