In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's shark week go big or go home
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
