I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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