i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
