He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
