I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
