Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
