there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
