I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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