Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
