Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
