why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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