Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
