Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
