I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
