you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
