What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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