So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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