1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
