i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
