I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Drunk is a universal language darling
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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