She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
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I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
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People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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