So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
