I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
