i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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