Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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