did you get engaged???
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
