Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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