I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
