i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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