you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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