Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
