i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
