mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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